In a recent video posted by my favorite vloggers, one of them brought up the concept of "silverbacked gorillas." I have no idea why he termed them this, but I do like the concept behind it.
He was trying to explain why people seek fame. One of the oft-referenced explanations is that we want attention. Not just any attention, but attention from people we consider important to us.
He also said that this attention-seeking behavior is not inherently destructive, but only destructive if we're looking towards the wrong "silverbacked gorillas." This, in turn, caused me to evaluate my own gorillas. Who do I want attention and respect from?
My thoughts first lie on my father. All my life, I've pretty much been a classic case of "Daddy's girl." His approval is what I seek above all else. But as I grow older, I see more and more that he is not infallible. Though I don't consider his opinion entirely absolute anymore, I still value it so highly that he is the only person in my life who can make me cry. Just knowing he is unhappy with me in any way shakes me. Is this healthy? I'm guessing no.
Reaching out from my family, I want the respect of my teachers. I just want to prove that I am competent and trustworthy. Many events recently have jeopardized this image of myself I wish to project. I know they do not even begin to know the true me, the real me, the me that my friends and family know. Why should I let these people judge me when they simply do not have the time to evaluate fairly? Why should I care?
On a broader scale, I want approval as a writer. I want somebody out there to tell me (somebody that doesn't have to, and somebody with real experience and authority) that I'm not crazy in wanting to be a writer. I want to be considered good on my own merit, not in comparison to anybody else or for the circumstances under which I am writing. I want to be deemed worthy and justified in all my endeavors. Perhaps this is actually a positive gorilla.
I'm sure there are more people from whom I desire attention, and maybe there are some people from whom I should and don't currently. One pointed difference between me and my peers is that I seem not to care so much about approval from the opposite sex. This renders me at a disadvantage in the dating game that's supposed to be so important to me at this stage in my life, but it's not. Just a distant bleep on the radar. Does this make me deficient in some capacity? Many view it at some sort of immaturity, but I don't buy into this logic. I've yet to see a mature high school relationship.
There's so many people out there, all seeking the approval of somebody else. Today in psychology, my professor said that there are no true "human instincts" because there isn't one universal behavior all humans adhere to. If there ever was one, I think the need of attention is a pretty good candidate.
My "silverbacked gorillas" are sure to change many times throughout my life, and hopefully I will learn to discern the positive ones from the negative.
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