Jun 19, 2009

Groundhog Day and Treading Water

I feel like I'm living in that Groundhog Day movie. Except not Groundhog Day. I keep living in a day that's much less exciting than Groundhog Day. At least that's a holiday.

I do the same thing over and over and over. I know it's nobody's fault but my own, but I just feel so trapped and helpless. I'm a hamster on one of those wheels, going round and round without any destination. At least it's fun for them, or they make it look like it. This isn't fun.

I don't know how to break the monotony. It's next to impossible for me to get out of the house and I think I've exhausted every opportunity these walls offer. I even cleaned the kitchen willingly! That's desperation, folks! There's not one more activity I can pursue without reaching lower than my dwindling pride will allow me. It's so ridiculous how boring everything is right now.

I think it's more frustrating because it's my own stupid fault. I'm not very high on myself lately, which probably isn't healthy. I hate myself for hating myself, even. Such a spiral of destruction.


I was trying on some swim short things for girls today while shopping, as to provide some coverage to my insecure bathing suit-clad body. I thought it would. It didn't. It seems the only thing I can do to fix myself is to reach deep inside and find that confidence that I used to summon up so easily. Where, oh, where did it go? I used to laugh to myself at the whiny, insecure girls. Now I'm one of them and I hate it so much. I keep thinking "when I finally do this or do that, it'll all get better!" but that's just procrastination and I know it. Now, now, now is the time!

It's all fine and dandy to type it. It's a nice notion to set goals and resolve to improve in text that nobody but me reads, and a totally different thing to set it into motion. I'm the world's worst for it and I don't know how to stop. How do I quit treading and start swimming?

And why do these always end up sounding so darn emo? I apologize, again. There I am being hard on myself again! AH!

Jun 7, 2009

Goals for the Summer!

I already fail one my goals- fill this out everyday! I figured if I put my goals here in this blog, it might provide some accountability? A daily reminder? Motivation? Or maybe I'm just bored right now. Either one. So here it goes, my summer goals!



1) Read, read, read! I love to read and don't feel like I read enough during the school year when my time is occupied reading school-related things. By the time I read five textbook chapters, I don't feel up to recreational reading. I have an on-going list of books I want to seek out and read, but most of all is The Perks of Being a Wallflower, which I've wanted to read fooorever but can never find a copy, the rest of Chuck Palahnuik's books, and whatever else I can get my grubby hands on. Oh, and my summer reading project.


2) Get my license! This is less of a goal than a necessity. I really, really must get it. I have to grow up eventually, and the prime time is now. No time like the present, eh? I feel like it would open up my life so much to drive. Stupid irrational fears hold me back from so much. I drove an hour long trip yesterday and was terrified the entire time, but survived. I just have to do it! It's sad to be a Senior who's never driven or worked!

3) Exercise! I've been really negligent in the whole health area this past year, and I've started to gain weight. I'm not obese by any means, but nipping in the bud, you know? I want to swim a few laps every day, and go on walks with my friend in the afternoons. I've already started drinking only water after about 6:00, most of the time. I used to not drink water at all, so that's an improvement. Baby steps.

4) Keep my darn room clean! This seems to make it to every list of goals I've ever made in my entire life, and I never accomplish it. Maybe this time.... Life's easier when stuff's organized. I don't know why I can't leave it that way. I can't seem to keep it orderly if my life depended on it. A constant struggle between me and my useless stuff. One day...

5) Be more social! I fail at being a teenager. I'm running out of time and quick. Maybe I should slip a little actual fun into my teenage years. I should see my friends before next August. I should get out of the house every now and then and actually do something.

Well, I thought I'd have more goals than that, not that this will be an easy feat. I feel so lazy and unmotivated these days. If I just accomplish a few of these, it might provide the confidence required to accomplish more, and maybe make something of my Senior year! Thus ends a completely lame blog entry, true to the title. The next one might be a little more exciting haha

Jun 1, 2009

"...as I fall into the waiting arms of 2 am"

The title's from this song called "2 a.m." (by Alexz Johnson, from the Instant Star season four Soundtrack, check it out!)

I was just listening to that song when it reminded me of a concept I've always been fascinated with. "The waiting arms of 2 a.m." Ever have those moments when reading/listening to something, the words just click with you? They express a concept that exists in your mind, but you were never able to force into words. When you hear how somebody else expressed it so perfectly, that you're not the only one in the world who's felt it, it is just a good experience.

Well, that was the feeling I had about this song. It's about how she's trying to get over this guy, and she does okay, until late at night when all the thoughts come rushing back to her, making it impossible to get over him. I'm not caught up in some epic romance, but I can relate into the late night breakdowns.

I can never sleep. I always wish I was a normal person that can lay down at 10:30, fall asleep easily, and wake up the next morning and face the day with confidence. Oh no, that would be far too easy. I have to start out at about 11, in bed. I lay there for around 30 minutes to an hour without even approaching a sleep-like state. At this point, I either fill my mind with music or a book and hope that the elusive sleep will come soon. Some nights it doesn't take long. Some nights I repeat the process over and over until I get too frustrated about not sleeping to sleep. It's these nights when I relate to that song.

Eventually, all the playlists and novels in the world don't seem that interesting. I end up abandoning the bed, the manifestation of my frustrations, and walking aimlessly around my room. I often end up on my window seat, staring into the eerie quiet that is my street at 2 a.m. It's a weird feeling, a unique kind of lonely. It seems like you're the only one still existing in the present and real world, while everyone else is off in dreamland. Everything's on pause, but you're still trying to fast forward. Nobody else is looking at the moon shining on the abandoned toys in the neighbor's yard. Even the dogs have stopped barking at imaginary enemies and are asleep. Everything just looks and feels different at 2 a.m. Abandoned.

Then I start to think. Thinking without interruption is often dangerous. I never think happy, optimistic thoughts. These 2 a.m. solitary think tank sessions never fail to leave me feeling hopeless, and hopelessly tired. My mind spins tales of sure destruction. All my worries are amplified under the steady glow of the alarm clock, moving ever-closer to the dreaded hour everybody else joins me again in reality. Any inhibitions, or filters of optomism, that my brain usually employs during the regulated waking hours seem to fall away. Everybody I love is going to die, and I'm going to have to deal with it. I'm going to leave home and be on my own. I'm going to have to assume more and more responsibility. I've wasted my childhood and teen years. I'm going to be a failure. I'm going to disappoint everyone, including myself. What am I doing wasting time sleeping when there's a million problems that need solving right now??

Finally, finally the lateness of the hour overcomes the relentless cycling of my brain, and I fall asleep. Always just short of enough time, the alarm clock does go off and I get out of bed. The mere presence of the sun lessens the impact of the night before, and the burden I piled on my back slackens a little. Anything I moved during the night, I always replace when I wake up. I don't want to be reminded of the state I was in previously. I can't even bear to read the random ramblings I scribble in order to get my thoughts out. It's too depressing. I know I'll return there the next sleepless night, but I don't need to think about it right now.

So, in one beautiful song, so many of my nights are summed up. I always fall into the waiting arms of 2 a.m. These arms are not comforting, but they're always there. While I hate them, they provide a lot of my motivation during the day. I think maybe this is why I resist the suggestions of my parents to take sleeping pills or try all the tricks for sleeping the Internet offers. That time alone late at night is part of who I am. I'm afraid if I lost them, I'd lose a part of what makes me, me. A pessimistic insomniac.



(This is the most depressing first post ever. I'm not that much of a downer, I swear! Maybe the next one will be on a happier theme. I'm not emo, promise. :) )