I haven't written here in over a year. I'd forgotten my compulsion to write into an empty, mostly confidential space. But something about being back in this corner of my bedroom, blue walls and blue emotions, makes me want to talk into the only place I know will listen: the blank expanse of white on my computer screen.
The computer screen doesn't have its own perceptions of me and what I should be, so it can't be mad at me for not being something. I can't hurt it and it can't hurt me. I can't disappoint it with my weakness or anger it with my strength. I can just what I feel.
I no longer feel like I can say what I feel to anybody. Granted, what I feel is a rabbit hole of shitty emotions and I understand why nobody wants to hear them. But I have to get them out of me sometimes or they will just slowly rot at my insides until I can't take it anymore.
I'd somehow forgotten that I can't rely on people to help me feel better. They only let you down. They have all their own problems and can't see around them, just like I can't see around mine. But I also forgot I could just write. It feels good already just to write it down, get it out, and not do any damage that makes me feel worse and pushes people I care about away from me.
I don't know why I'm so unhappy right now. Objectively, I should be happier than I've ever been, but I'm the most miserable. Maybe it's because all my moments of happiness are followed up shortly by being scared of losing it all.
I'm constantly scared of losing it all: losing what remains of my relationship with my parents, losing the friendships I've managed to maintain this long, losing any pride in my meager academic accomplishments, losing any hopes of a career I respect myself for earning, and most of all, losing the person I love most in the world to my depression or to the allure of a fancier life without me.
I have never been so deeply sad because I've never found it so hard to hope. I'm just scared all the time. I can't sleep. I don't know how to get through it; I just keep hoping it will pass.
It would be better if I didn't feel so alone, but I am and I do. But at least I can write.
