I Don't Understand

Sometimes I think I'm too caring and sometimes I think I'm too heartless. Today was a heartless day.

For some reason, I am unable to feel sympathy towards depressed or suicidal people. I know I'm supposed to and I know some of them genuinely can't help it. They're clinically depressed; their brains actually contain an abnormality that makes them lose their will to live.

But there's also the attention seeking morons who can't find self-gratification any way but faking depression.

Maybe it's because I can't tell the difference or maybe it's because I've never had to deal with it myself, but as hard as I try, I find no sympathy within myself for them.

I've seen the affects firsthand. I had an aunt who blew her brains out because she was so depressed. I remember her on her up days, when she'd flit around all sunshine and bunnies and just give and give and smile and smile. She was so happy it was unnatural. I remember her on her down days when she'd just sit at the table, slumped down, shoulders shaking with her tears.

I was staying with my grandma one summer, the summer before my aunt committed suicide. It was a down day and my grandma was trying to cheer her up. I didn't understand what was going on or that my poor grandmother was fighting a losing battle. I was scared and confused. Nobody ever took the time to explain it to me until many years later, many years after Aunt Marie was dead.

I remember that my grandma took me to my aunt's house afterwards, going through her vast array of eclectic possessions. She would break down at the sight of certain objects, then collect herself and entertain me. I was so young. I still have a few of the things I took that day, including a little ceramic Bugs Bunny that still sits on a shelf in my bedroom. I understand now what my grandma was going through, how responsible she felt for her sister's death. I sympathize with Grandma.

But I still can't sympathize with Aunt Marie.

Maybe it's because we fear what we don't understand. Maybe I really am just heartless. I want to understand, but I can't. I just can't. I guess I shouldn't try to make myself feel the "right" emotion and just feel whatever I feel. Is there such a thing as a right way to feel?

I just don't understand.