I have so much to say and so little to write.
I'm in an awful mood. I failed my driving test... again. This time due to a lack of confidence, and lack of backing up in a straight line.
I can't take it anymore. I can't bear anymore of Dad's disappointment and disappointment in myself. This shouldn't be so hard and I can't adequately express to anyone else how hard it really is for me.
I'm tired of always feeling guilty for coming up short to everyone else's expectations. Shouldn't my own expectations come first? Heck, I don't even meet those lately. And I'm growing more and more convinced that I don't even possess the capacity to change. Try as might, fatigue or disappointment, or just sheer laziness always overcomes. I'm not sure if I can fight it. I'm doomed to this cycle of repeated failure, rebirth of hope, slight success, and then failure again. But who isn't?
I realize this sounds so overdramatic and generally stupid, but that is pretty much how I feel right now. Overdramatic and stupid. It's really the only thing I'm sure of.
I think assurance is what I need to fix every single problem I currently face. I need to be sure about something, anything. I have to learn to be decisive. It kills me constantly, my indecisiveness.
For example, today during Quiz Bowl practice, which means nothing, I knew several answers but didn't say them because I wasn't sure. But they were right. Australia, Rosenburgs, Treaty of Versailles. These aren't hard words to say and they were the right ones. Why couldn't I just spit them out? Why do I have to be indecisive and unsure and just so stupid?!
I can't get anything coherent or worthwhile posted here until I actually have something coherent and worthwhile in my brain. This could take awhile. I apologize for my uncertain self.
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