The Heart of Ram's Head

Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness is a novel about the evil that lurks inside of all of humanity; when pushed close enough to the breaking points, primal actions emerge in primal situations. Conrad alludes to Nietzche's quote: "when you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares back at you."

I have found a modern setting for this novel to replace the African Congo: my university's dining hall during finals week.

Every student is on campus; there is no going home during finals. Every student also emerges from their studying cocoons composed of flash cards, crumpled notes, highlighters, and tears at the same time to eat from communal vats of cheap food.

Just as the characters in Heart of Darkness fight for survival in a world with no rules, students fight for an empty table. The idlers stare at their stacks of plates adorned with used napkins and empty glasses with melting ice as they complain to one another about this test and that. Those without tables stalk the lucky few, pacing around and around, stomachs growling and minds imagining the moment they forcefully swipe the dirty dishes from the tables and throw a jacket onto the chair, like the Belgians taking the Congo, claiming the table for their own.

After twenty minutes of stalking the tables and a few minutes before cannibalization seems viable, finally one opens up! One of your pack approaches the table, but a swifter student seizes with a maniacal victory laugh. Death glares ensue as your group returns to pacing in circles in the increasingly frustrated throng.

Eventually, you ecstatically seize a table for your very own with just enough seats to accommodate your numbers. Heading out into the abyss, you seek to win yourself a plate of warm nourishment. But alas! all the stations are out of food and the lines waiting for the disgruntled workers to replenish their stocks extend agonizingly far. From a distance, you spot a pizza about to be removed from its fiery shelf and thrown to the masses for consumption. You elbow your way to the front of the crowd to ensure a good spot to pounce upon the fresh, cheesy goodness.

Ducking and spinning and fighting all the way, you manage to claim a slice for yourself. Still riding the high from your victory, you go for a glass to obtain a drink to augment your recently acquired food. There are none. You seek a fork and knife. There are none.

Frustrated, you stalk back to your table to sit down, prepared to choke down food with your fingers and no liquid accompaniment.

Your chair is gone.

You slam your plate down on the table, causing the grease bubbling in the pizza to splatter into the air. "Where is my chair??" you announce to the patrons eating all around you, silent and ignore your plight.

In your mind, you are ripping the chairs from underneath their smug butts, separating their heads from their bodies and skewering them on sticks around your table to serve as examples for further people who want to steal your chairs. Gathering the chairs from under the decapitated bodies, you stack them up and sit high up in the air, shouting "the horror, the horror!" over the whole scene as people cry in the floor, clutching their plates and murmuring, "I just want a seat...a glass... a fork."

But instead you share a chair with your friend, squashed tightly together as you silently eat and then surrender your table to the next group to set the cycle anew.

As you exit the double doors into the cold world, hardly full and satisfied, you think how when they swiped your card, the dining hall staff also swiped a little piece of your soul. A little of your faith in humanity.

But you have survived. You have stared into the apocalypse and won.

Brevity is Beauty

Usually at a semester's end, I feel nostalgic or at least a little sad that a certain set of experiences, faces, and the overall feeling that things will never be just as they are again. All my life, I've been a self-professed hater of change.

But as the countdown on my dorm room door ticks down to zero and I get closer and closer to home, I don't really feel that ache for each "last" like before. It was very anti-climatic as my professor in my last lecture clicked off his microphone for the very last time. His preceding lecture was oh so relevant to the thoughts already drifting around in my head.

Maybe it's the completely different environment I'm in, or the difficulty of becoming attached to a two hundred person lecture, or a sign of growing into adulthood.

Or maybe it's what my professor was talking about today before he sent us off into the world, having departed a semester's worth of wisdom onto half-comprehending vessels with notebooks and Macbooks. The lecture was about human values--it is natural to think we value what is permanent. Immortality is appealing and death is terrifying. We want to choose the longer lasting everything. Antiques are more valuable than new furniture; older friends are better friends.

My professor challenged this assertion. We also value what is rare, scarce, and unique. What is more scarce than time? It is the ultimate example of something important in limited numbers. And things that are abundant are just not as valuable. We often the cite the shortest, smallest, more unique moments as the best ones: sunsets and rainbows and snow falls, or those moments of uncontrollable laughter, or the agonizingly joyful moments at the top of a rollercoaster. These things are valuable because we cannot experience them whenever we want for however long we want. Their value is derived from their rarity and brevity.

By that logic, I shouldn't grieve for the loss of this snapshot in my life, my first semester in college. I should be glad that it feels so short because if it were eternal, it would also be mundane as breathing and commercials and whatever else is ubiquitous and inconsequential.

I can feel myself shifting from my old point of view, hanging onto to everything and mourning for every small loss, to something new and better. I am grateful for change, for the temporary nature of my existence. Without it, nothing would seem quite so good.

Charity Trains

The very first chapter books I read on my own were Uncle Arthur's Bedtime Stories. The ancient-looking volumes belonged my Grandma and her siblings when they were kids and had that delicious old book smell and yellowed pages softened from use. Though the doctrine of the Christian morality tales never really stuck with me, I didn't escape entirely from their influence.

I distinctly remember reading one particular tale. It centered around the predictable poor-but-jovial family gearing up to celebrate Christmas. They didn't have any presents, but they shared love and a faith in God, so off they went to church on Christmas Eve. The story sets up that the little boy protagonist is a nice, selfless kid, unconcerned about his lack of presents under the tree and uncomplainingly helping out with his tiny baby sister. His angelic-like state is heightened to the point of puke-worthy as he is overjoyed when his aunt and uncle give him some mundane, practical gift, and he is gracious and overjoyed, thinking it the climax of his Christmas.

The details are a little fuzzy at this point, but the families are all gathered in the church, and after the typical Jesusy stuff, the preacher turns to the kids and unveils a tree of gifts. The toys and fancy clothes astound the poor kids into a grateful oblivion, and the protagonist boy eyes a snazzy toy train. It is the only selfish want he expresses throughout the whole story. There is some random method of allowing the kids to select a gift from the tree. For some reason that also escapes me, the boy sacrifices his train to get a coat for his sister or lets some other even poorer boy get the train. I don't know; the reason doesn't even matter.

The point was, I was incredibly disappointed for the boy. Since he was bent on refusing to show actual human emotion, I felt it for him. I think he eventually gets a train (from the benevolent preacher who saw what was going on), but the crushing disappointment quite powerful. Upon my many re-readings of the collection, I always skipped that story to avoid having to feel that way all over again.

Even at my young age, I looked around at the vast array of toys surrounding me and felt horribly guilty about not giving them to orphans.

Every time I see a charity, especially around the holidays, I feel a pang of guilt for not being like the little boy with that damn train. For Christmas my seventh grade year, I acquired two crisp 100 dollar bills. We were having a fundraiser at school for victims of the tsunami, and I tried to sneak one of the bills to school to donate. My mother caught me and prohibited the altruistic action. "But Mom," I protested, "I will still have a hundred dollars left!" Really, I was thinking of the boy and the train.

Maybe it's the profound affect of the first chapter book I read independently (and foreshadowing of the importance books would always play in my life), or the power of Uncle Arthur's storytelling (doubtful), or the simple moral at the heart of it all. Either way, I want every little boy to have his train.

This basic motivation keeps me gravitating towards a career with some non-prophet organization. What better way to spend my life than assuaging that guilt developed so young? Maybe the story affected me so powerfully because helping people is what I'm meant to do. I don't really believe in fate, but I do believe in predisposition. Maybe good ole Uncle Arthur was onto something.

Veterans Day

Most people associate the military with rigidity, fighter planes, propaganda posters, marches, cadences. They always want to thank them for their service, and usually think their service consists of shooting people from the tops of buildings as snipers and performing barrel rolls over Iraq as fighter pilots.

But my military associations are much different. The pleats in dark navy pants, the stiff and colorful ribbon racks, the careful starching all remind me of my dad; whenever he would finally come home, I'd rush to the door to greet him, breathing in the familiar smell of uniform and feeling the scratchy fabric on my cheek as he gathered me in a long-awaited hug.

I think of being perched on my parents' bed as my dad went through the nightly ritual of preparing his uniform. We'd talk of whatever issue was currently plaguing me; his words of advice always came as steadily and effectively as the iron that removed the wrinkles from his shirt. As he burned the frayed edges and fly-away strings from his pants, he'd cut the extraneous worry from my life.

I remember waiting in his office with my brother. We'd play with the toy bombs and guns used to train for drills. One of us would plant the bomb somewhere in the building: a filing cabinet, carelessly unlocked desk drawer, couch cushions. The other would then try to find the object while the mastermind would laugh maniacally in triumph until the good guy deactivated the bomb, just in time. To me, this is what occurs in Air Force office buildings.

I remember Dad pulling up in front of the house in his AF cop car, sirens blazing. My brother screamed in terror (he was young) while Dad "arrested" my friends and I, cuffs and everything. I remember squadron holiday parties with Easter egg hunts, where my toddler brother loudly proclaimed "that's not the Easter bunny! That's a man in a suit!" and Christmas parties where my best friend was embarrassingly obnoxious and my brother broke the stick we were using to hit a pinata that was apparently reinforced with concrete. I remember trick-or-treating on base housing, the best place for treat-or-treating, and staying out so late people would start dumping their left-over candy into our outstretched bags.

I remember the freedom of walking to the Shoppette and to school, passing under a gigantic air plane statue every morning on my way to elementary school, skipping through the security gates on my way home, and calling the grocery store the commissary.

My childhood was marked by the multiplicity of military brats; half Turkish or Korean or from Hawaii and Alaska, we united in our ever-revolving life. Half your classmates would move away before the end of the year, but then you'd have pen pals all over the world.

But most of all, I remember the long months when Dad was gone. Mom struggling to be both parents, do all the duties. I remember my carefully penned letters and the phone calls with extreme delays as Dad's voice took twice as long to travel around the world.

I remember the extreme joy as Dad stepped off that plane and returned to us. His skin was extremely tanned by the desert heat, and he was incredibly skinny from the desert chow hall, but he was finally home. And my face scratched against the stiff fabric of his uniform and I breathed in the familiar smell, and I took away an entirely different conception of what the military is.

As the National Anthem plays and people standing staring up at the American flag and the camera pans over a crowd of military men and women, I know all the memories that pass through their minds aren't the same as the images that riddle military advertisements and popular culture. It's the smaller things, the real life things.

I appreciate my dad for so many things, but being in the military was just his job. I appreciate him for not making it his identity. He doesn't like when random people walk up and thank him for his service. He joined because he had no other options out of high school; there is not a lot separating a fast food uniform and a military one. While the military life does mean a lot of sacrifice, it also means a lot of benefit. Military members get healthcare benefits, GI benefits, housing, and a plethora of other benefits many Americans do not have. It's overly romanticized why people join the military--for every wannabe hero, there's ten that are just joining to survive.

So people might think I'm bad for not getting teary-eyed on Veterans Day, having been raised by a veteran. But really, the holiday is for civilians, not veterans. I appreciate the most important veterans to me every day of the year.

Rascal

I've been dreading writing about this, but I must. I won't feel complete closure until I do. Offer up my little piece of tribute, of eulogy. Anything that takes up such a piece of your heart, mind, and time deserves a few paragraphs penned in its honor.

People who don't have pets think it's silly when their owners grieve them with the intensity of a lost human loved one. Even some people who only display a casual relationship with their animals look down on the people who perform funerals for gold fish and dogs and gerbils.

But then there are the people who regard their furry (and scaly or slimy or whatever) friends as members of their families. The frequently crocheted quote "Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened" rings true. It's a special kind of relationship. Cats love unconditionally. No one can dispute the comfort a purring cat perched happily on his or her owner's lap, eyes slightly closed and paws kneading, provides. There's no question of the unfailing love behind the green oval eyes.

Rascal sat on my lap for ten years, his love never failing and his paws never allowing a morsel of food to make it to my mouth with an attempted interception. He dined better than most people, preferring bacon above all else. Though he was largely governed by his stomach (and easily manipulated by the all-important word t-r-e-a-t), his heart is the most memorable part of his kitty personality. He was a very sweet animal, not at all bowing the general cat stereotypes of disdain for humans.There is no disputing that he loved us from the moment we extracted him during his first days of life from between Grandma's porches to the last time he exited our house.

He punctuated my child- and teen-hood with the needed experience of pet ownership. With animals comes the responsibility and companionship necessary to growing and maturing. Though I was devastated to learn of his disappearance, it seemed somehow darkly fitting that he died a mere week before I returned home for my first break from college. One of the largest pieces of my childhood now divides my life into childhood and adulthood, life with and without Rascal.

The night I returned home, the first thing I saw was his little dry food bowl sitting sitting expectantly and full. That sight coupled with his abandoned toys and scratching post littering the living room floor drove the reality of his disappearance home. But as I sat crying in the midst of his things, I wasn't mourning just my precious pet. I was mourning the loss of my life was it was before.

Rascal was the best first pet anybody could I have, and I'm incredibly for the ten years he brought joy to my life. I refuse to think about what terrible fate he most likely met and relish the many, many memories he gave me and my family. He was a remarkable cat and my best friend for half of my life. I will miss him.

And many years from now, when I have a family of my own, we will have a precious family cat too, so my kids will know the all-important love of an animal.

I am. I am. I am.

My friend was wondering why people continue to exist, and so I started thinking about why I bother to continue existing.

It's a question some people ask me when they find out I'm an atheist. Why would you keep living without the promise of heaven at the end? Or without a distinct system of reward and punishment? The guarantee of a soul or of seeing your dead loved ones again?

Well, it's a pretty easy answer, considering I'm still very much alive. At least, it seems that way. But when you really get down to it, I only keep living because I don't know what else to do. I'm just supposed to keep living; my body is designed to avoid death at all costs. It's second nature to try to survive.

But if you don't considering surviving the same as living, really living, then what makes me keep living? Am I even really living?

There's a Ropes song that goes "My life doesn't mean a thing to me/the only reason I haven't put myself in the ground already/is I don't like to get dirty." Maybe it's sometimes it's the smallest things, if not necessarily as cynical as the song describes, that keeps us adhered to our mortal coils. You don't have to have some grand reason to wake up each morning.

My philosophy dictates that people ascribe their own meaning to life and spend their time trying to do the best they can to adhere to the lifestyle they think is most appropriate. All this cliche, semi-hedonistic stuff is what I think makes life worth living. It's different for every person, and that's what is beautiful about it.

It's a whole list of cliche things that keeps me wanting to breathe every morning. I think I've written before about how I use to think of one thing to look forward to that day before I got out of bed every morning, just to make the walk to the shower a little better. I've gotten bad about not doing that anymore lately; it's a testament to a good life that on any given day, I could think of something positive that would probably happen. They are almost always really small things: an especially appetizing lunch item, getting a paper back I worked really hard on, a meeting of a club I enjoy, getting to see a friend.

Even though each of those things doesn't really add up to much, together they create a life that is positive more often than negative. I couldn't possibly quit living if there was one little thing I had to look forward to. "Oh, I will just go and die after this... oh but then I would miss this!" The sheer fact that I would be missing things is something I can't stand.

My somewhat ironic but reoccurring dream is that I've slept through important things: when I was younger, it was trick-or-treating. Now, it's exams and interviews. But the theme of sleeping through important events remains my biggest subconscious fear. Being dead for all of them would kind of suck, too.

When Christians ask me why I bother to keep living, I usually respond something to the effect of "there are amazing books I haven't read yet, interesting people I haven't met, beautiful sights I haven't seen, funny jokes I haven't laughed at. There are classes I haven't gotten to take yet, words I haven't written yet, and smiles I haven't smiled yet." Missing any of that would be too sad to bear. That's why I bother to wake up each morning. It might be cliche, but each life affirming breath reinforces and justifies my roaming around the earth.

As my darling Sylvia Plath wrote, "I took a breath and listened to the old bray of my heart. I am. I am. I am."

Family Dinner

I hate when the mix of dinner crowd forces me in the middle of a group full of loud personalities, taking up the conversation with their empty, echoing words. They fill up the chairs with their bodies and the conversation with their bellowing, and those of us small in both voice and stature are left to sit quietly by, spooning rice into our mouths and wishing we were anywhere else.

It's not that I don't have input. It's just my words seem to emerge from my mouth, a few octaves lower than I intend, and escape into the battlefield that is the colliding sound waves above the dinner table. Mine are small, feeble warriors and quickly surrender to the pulsing sounds reverberating around the plastic cups of Mountain Dew and Diet Pepsi. Frustrated, I just sit there, replacing the words on the tip of my tongue with the bland food that people seem to think defines my personality.

I am so close to the people next to me that we can hardly eat without our elbows hitting; we are so close I think they might be able to hear my thoughts, tearing each new loudmouth comment apart for its ignorance and depravity, but it's really just envy because people are looking at them when they speak and responding, and that's all I really want. But I know my neighbors can't hear what is happening in my brain because they don't even hear what I choose to vocalize.

I know it isn't true. I know that some personalities are always going to win out, claiming the entire market, making it seem as if they have the only personality worth having. The only way to be. Social, exhaustively happy. I know that I'm as valid as them, as interesting as them, as important. But somehow that certainty just isn't enough to make that hour bearable; I just wait.

I wait until I can pour all the bottled up thoughts onto a page, onto a screen. Sustained by an eternally captive audience, I can release what nobody else cares to take from me. Perhaps I don't have a voice in a crowd so I have the words necessary to move my pen across the page. Maybe I'm meant to be reclusive, and I'm just fighting my nature to no avail. Maybe my dinnertime companions are unwittingly providing me with a livelihood, a reason to live.

Cautiously optimistic, I must accept my fate. Channel Salinger. Write because it's so hard to talk, and maybe one day, they will be sad they never listened, and finally read.

Justice for All

For the past week or so, I feel like all I've been doing is arguing. It's exhausting, really. But I would definitely be more exhausted if I didn't argue because I wouldn't be able to sleep soundly at night knowing I didn't defend what I believe to be right.

But the thing that angers me more than any of the bigots, religious zealots, and just plain ignorant people are those who claim the argument doesn't matter.

Of course it matters. Just because you aren't immediately affected by something doesn't mean it isn't worth worrying about. We are debating our state's Constitution; constitutions are documents by the people, of the people, for the people. We are the people, and it is our duty and obligation as citizens to have opinions and voice them about our government.

Further, if you cannot find it in yourself to care about somebody else, especially people who are being discriminated against, then you are exceedingly selfish. If you cannot care about people's rights being ripped away, about the pain and suffering of others, about grave injustices in the society you take part in, then there is no saving you. You are worse than those fighting on the immoral side because at least the opposition is taking a stand for what they believe. At least they have emotions.

Do not try to patronize me for passion. What is the point of living if you don't care about anything? Apathy is not cool; detachment is a mental illness, not a fad. Do not lay passively unless you agree with every single thing in your world. There is always something to be bettered, somebody that needs help.

I will argue until I can't argue anymore. I don't care if I'm defeated, if the amendment makes its disgusting way into our law. I will still fight it because I will still be right. Those who claim it doesn't matter are the truly wrong ones.

"We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented."
-Elie Wiesel

Heelprint

I love my college; I really do. I haven't regretted coming here for a single second. I still haven't tired of the ubiquitous blue, the unrelenting (and sometimes downright rude) school spirit, the vibrant community.

All the little concerns that keep college freshmen lying awake at night before they move to their universities disappear within days of arriving. The bathroom arrangement is fine; it's not hard to get along with your roommate; friends will come fairly easily if you smile and say hi; classes are difficult but not impossible; the food is pretty good; the campus layout will unfold itself to you in a few days.

But that is not to say college life is not without concerns. They're just new concerns. What was important in high school is replaced by something bigger, more pressing. There's always a pit in my stomach when I pass a flyer advertising some amazing opportunity and I keep walking. I know I can't do everything; that would be impossible and suicidal. But I have to wonder each and every time if I'm passing up my one great opportunity; maybe that was where I was going to meet my future employer, future passions, even future husband.

But that is ridiculous. I don't believe in fate. We make the happiness we seek. I have actively reached out to organizations I know I will love, and in turn will have an automatic connection with others involved. When I do my homework, I worry I'm not reaching insightful enough conclusions, like I need to force something that simply isn't there. Reach a higher plane. I'm always afraid I'm not stretching enough. Not challenging myself enough, not growing enough.

It's a weird feeling. Everything just seems higher stakes. When once a GPA got me into college, it now gets me a job. Before, most friendships (at least at a high level of intimacy) were only for the duration, now they have the potential for lifelong relationships. I have to make connections, make roots, make a mark. A "Heelprint."

But I know, just as I was freaking out the night before I moved here, that one day I will look back on this moment and tell myself that everything eventually was okay.

Your Becoming

This is absolutely beautiful.

I can't write anything else here because it will distract me from that column, and that'd be a disgrace. I'm just sticking the article here so that I can read it later, where I know where to find it.

"The useless days will add up to something. The shitty waitressing jobs. The hours writing in your journal. The long meandering walks. The hours reading poetry and story collections and novels and dead people’s diaries and wondering about sex and God and whether you should shave under your arms or not. These things are your becoming."

Sex in the City

My mom idly put the tv on Sex in the City 2 this afternoon. We were waiting for my dad's imminent arrival so we could partake of her spaghetti (mine consisting only of noodles, making my waiting kind of pointless...). Though it didn't dawn on me then, that we were even doing such thing a rang of the patriarchal society of the past, born from ideas that produce such things as Sex in the City.

I've watched bits and pieces of the show over the years, never even a whole episode. I only watched thirty minutes or less of the movie. But these small snippets told me everything I needed to know: this show is one of those female-empowerment movies that aren't really about female empowerment at all.

On the surface, the four privileged ladies own New York City (or Abu Dhabi, the movie's setting), strutting around, checking out young male models, and generally being what a mainstream male lead would be. This could be construed as progress.

But that is only on the surface. Yes, the women choose to sing karaoke to "I Am Woman." But they were singing the powerful words to impress a supposedly sultry man staying at the hotel. They change into new sets of elaborate, expensive clothes every scene. They ogle a sweaty men's rugby team in the pool. They perpetuate the common myth that women must either be frivolous and slutty or subservient and boring. Their kind of "feminism" means using sex as a bartering tool, manipulating men with the promise of their bodies. Then sitting around drinking Cosmopolitans and complaining about that very quality in men. Double standards are not broken by simply flipping them around.

This false sort of feminism is everywhere, and it's learned young. The summer before sixth grade, my male cousin and I were rooting through all the random junk collected in the nooks and crannies of my grandma's house when we stumbled upon a small collection of what I assume were my grandfather's Playboys.

I flipped through them, intrigued by the novelty of the things; I read some of the articles, even laughing at the desperation ringing through the questions posed in the advice column. But my cousin sat spellbound. The naked images swarmed his consciousness; his hormones glazed his eyes over with a creepy kind of hunger. He asked me for some scissors. I helpfully pointed out pictures that seemed the most practical to remove and conceal, but many were rejected for focusing too heavily on one half of the body or the other.

As he expertly chose the money shots of women draped suggestively over chairs, lying on their backs wearing nothing but stilettos, cradling their boobs like they're precious cargo with faked innocent faces, I began to squirm in my under-developed flesh. I knew I hadn't the power of those pictures, but thought one day I might, but even then, so young, it just felt so wrong.

It wasn't the general society-frowned-upon conscious catching that weirded me out. It was the nature of the power of sexuality, something I hadn't really contemplated before. It seemed somehow unfair, to both the models on the page and eyes feasting upon them. The awkwardness of being an impartial observer to the interaction (and implying the future of the relationship...) made me see how powerful sexuality can be.

Sex and the City tries to show that, but they only really portray superficiality and manipulation. I think maybe a more genuine feminism respects an equal sexual dynamic. It's a powerful tool, and we're not right to give it completely to one sex or the other.

Nor is feminism completely tied up in sex, In the City or elsewhere. Soon, Mom realized that the first preseason football game had started, and we flipped the channel and observed the game with an enthusiasm usually reserved for men. It's this small give and take, realizations that no qualities should be masculine or feminine. That is what a true feminist show would promote. Not snagging the pool boy with the most impressively filled Speedo, as Samantha Jones might think.

Ready

I've never felt more ready to go off to college than I do right now, sitting here in my bed, typing on my laptop at five in the morning. Five in the morning isn't usually when anything productive happens or people feel especially prepared, but somehow, in this moment, I finally think I'm absolutely ready.

It isn't about the piles of stuff heaped haphazardly in the guest bedroom, or the half-read summer reading book waiting to be finished, or the completed textbook order forms, or the move-in plans made, or anything you can check off on a to-do list.

You can prepare logistically to move out of your parents' house forever, but I don't think that's the most important part. It wasn't until this moment that I began moving, consciously at least, all the people in my life from actively affecting me to have affected me. That is not very clear, I realize, but it's a hard concept to force into the limitations of the English language.

I think most relationships reach a point where the people can simply no longer glean anything from each other, whether it's as important as life lessons or as insignificant as lunchtime company. Perhaps it's a bit callous to view people like tools that can outstrip their usefulness and call for replacing, but I can't help but feel that's what is happening to me right now.

Every conversation feels useless and strained, like everyone is just going through the motions because we've all grown accustomed to things going a certain way. There's no joy or relish, no excitement or fervor. All habit, tired routines. We've all been nailed into the caricatures formed by years of familiarity. We rely on the predictably we've created; while this once was comforting, so comforting the thought of leaving it was terrifying, it is now boring and limited. I feel stuffy and confined.

Most dangerously, I feel annoyed. The smallest things get to me. I want so badly to live a new life that things that belong distinctly in this old one are infuriating. All of this is coming from a self-professed hater of change. Nothing is more persuasive to me than the fact that I yearn for change, so often my mortal enemy.

Of course I love dearly all the people that have shaped my current life, and I always will. But I have to get away, or I will kill someone. I need newness, fresh faces that don't know anything about me. People that won't keep secrets from me because they fear judgment that doesn't exist. People that trust me because they haven't time to formulate prejudices. People that are willing to accept changes because they never knew the past. This is what I need now.

So finally, I think I'm ready. Things tend to be over-dramatic at five in the morning, but I'm grateful for these late night "epiphanies." Sometimes they give me the strength to face the oh-too-soon morning.


"I've lived in this place and I know all the faces/each one is different but they're always the same./They mean me no harm, but it's time that I faced it/They'll never allow me to change."

At Peace

While I was visiting, my grandmother sat in her television room and lectured me about opening my heart to the lord so I could achieve peace and direction in life, wiping her plentiful tears on her pink nightgown trimmed in colorful rickrack.

I sat there on the couch, my computer in my lap because I'd been showing her some picture she'd wanted to see, staring back at her, blank faced and stony-eyed. What else could I do?

The thing that annoys more about my grandmother than all the holier-than-thouness, the selfish manipulating, the lies is how she demeans my opinions. To her, I am just a little girl. Whenever I express an opinion on something deeper and more important than a flower arrangement, she laughs at how cute it is. Somehow, I can't help but think deep down she knows I'm right (she is racist, my dad isn't a horrible man, she is judgmental). Her demeaning glance is her way of justifying her flaws to herself: I can't be right, I'm just a kid.

But I'm not a kid. I know what I know. The sixty years or so of life "experience" she has on me means nothing the way she's lived it. She preached to me for so long about how God has been protecting her her whole life. But all that means to her is giving up any personal responsibility. In her world, she was a neglectful mother because God called her to serve the church. Not because she was just a bad mother who didn't know what she was doing and ran and hid. In her world, she was fired from one church because the preacher had it out for her. Not because she's incapable of compromise and highly arrogant. In her world, I am "defiant" because my parent have corrupted me. Not because I'm capable of independent thought, and capable of seeing that I never want to be anything like her.

She simply uses religion to absolve herself of her mistakes. I thought Jesus was supposed to forgive you for your sins, not justify them.

She swears I can't have peace without this same kind of God. I have no god and I want no god.

What she fails to understand is that I'm only at peace without religion in my life. It only makes me feel uncomfortable in my skin, make me doubt myself, a weekly infusion of needless and undeserved guilt. I don't need the sort of justification she does.

I am peace when I know that I'm in control of my life, and that measure of control gives me the strength to deal with what is beyond it. She has no idea how her lecturing solidifies the beliefs she so desperately tries to drive me away from. She has on idea how strongly I feel about them, and how sure I am of who I am.

I played her "The House That Built Me" once because she wanted an example of the music I saw in concert, a song about finding yourself again in your childhood home. All it prompted from her was a smug look on her face and the question, "are you lost? Do you feel lost?" I knew she wanted me to collapse into tears, fall into her arms, and beg her to drag me into the light of God, or some crazy crap. But I simply looked her in the eye and said "no."

It's crazy how many different meanings one word can I have. To her, my no meant I was harboring religious feelings inside, that I secretly possessed a blooming and magnificent relationship with her God. My no really meant that I was happy with my decision to reject her god, that I never felt more secure in my beliefs then when I decided I didn't need or want Christianity. I am not lost, but to her I always will be. She can't comprehend a "found" that is happier than hers or different than hers.

I was lost when I was trying to humor her, I was blind when I tried to sit honestly in a sanctuary, I was a wrench when I lied to myself about my beliefs. But now I see, now I see.

A Reasonable Doubt

I don't usually write about current events here but having just watched what seems like hours of coverage on the Casey Anthony trial, I feel compelled to throw my less than two cents into the discussion. It's bothering the heck outta me.

Of course the death of an innocent little girl is heartbreaking, but it's not the only sickening aspect of this ordeal. Nightline kept showing a shot of the angry crowd shouting "Justice for Caylee" followed by a shot of the angry mob with torches and pitchforks from Frankenstein films. The resemblance is shocking.

Everyone knows the justice system is imperfect; it is made of fallible creatures, therefore will be fallible. But in this case, it might be beneficial to take a leaf from its book.

Everybody is so quick to shout "baby killer" at Casey Anthony, and I admit it very much looks to be true. She may have gotten off through a simple lucky break, or her lawyers were that good, or the "scientific evidence went over the jury's head" like Nancy Grace insists. But all of this seems disgusting to me for one reason: what if she really didn't do it?

We can all speculate til we're blue in the face, but nobody really knows what happened except for the five Anthonys, and their stories conflict. It's impossible to pick which to believe. None of us were in that courtroom, and certainly none of them witnessed her committing a murder. Why are people so sure she killed Caylee, when all they have to go on are sound bites from Entertainment Tonight and speculation by Nancy Grace? Why do they think they know so much more than the jury?

Oh, that poor jury. I couldn't imagine the pressure of sitting in one of those seats. It's easy to say you'd like to dole out the death penalty when you're holding a picket sign outside the courthouse, but what if you're Juror #12 with a vote that can put a woman in jail for life? I don't think the decision would be so easy then. It's literally life or death; that's why our legal system only convicts people beyond reasonable doubt.

It's only right to hand a life sentence to somebody if you're absolutely positive they took it upon themselves to take somebody else's life. How could a jury live their lives if they sentenced Anthony but weren't sure she did it? There's twelve more innocent people, sentenced to a different kind of life in prison.

Casey Anthony doesn't seem like a good person. She appears to be a liar (and even accused her father and brother of unproven sexual abuse), selfish, and a neglectful mother. But we simply don't know if she's a murderer, and maybe just isn't good enough.

Post-Op Procedure

I could never be a veterinarian. Doctors have the luxury of patients that can tell them when it hurts. Animals will ignore the pain, spit out the medicine, growl. It takes a special hand to feel what is happening beneath the fur, treat without ever really knowing how the patient is reacting.

My cat must think this is some cruel torture. He is sent off into the hands of strangers in strange smelling rooms, cold and clinical. They poke and prod him. Then everything just disappears for awhile.

When he wakes up, he finds his carefully groomed coat half gone, his face imprisoned in a plastic prison, a drain poked through the lengthy cut in his newly exposed skin, held together by stitches and medical glue.

When he's finally returned to the incompetent but loving hands of his primary caregivers, they keep him contained in a cage where he thrashes about in confusion from the anesthesia and experience. Deprived of his freedom, body, and routine, he does not understand these sacrifices are made for a greater good. He simply must trust.

I have to pity the sad creature sleeping on the floor in front of me. The ends of the drain poking out from his purplish smooth skin raise up and down with each rhythmic breath. He lays his head awkwardly to limit contact between his ears and whiskers and the cone. He licks the tip of his tail and the ends of his paws; they're all he can reach, but he's desperate for the comfort of the familiar action.

Yet he sticks his head out so I can pet his forehead beneath the cone, scratch where it's tied around his neck. Though we've put him through his awful ordeal, he trusts. After all, we have the food.

Seymour

I get oddly attached to some inanimate objects. It's a problem, really. I can't help but personify the items I use daily, attributing them with traits until they seem to possess feelings as real as my own. This makes it strangely emotional when the inevitable happens and they are lost, replaced, or outdated.

Changing computers is one of the most difficult of these object transitions. Affectionately dubbed Seymour, my now six-year old Dell desktop computer has been both loved and cursed throughout his well-utilized life.

His arrival in my life was a complete surprise. I was in seventh grade and the technological age was dawning. Teenagers growing up in the early 2000s were rapidly joining the digital age and everything, academic and social, was going digital. I was spending more and more time on the family's old computer, even in the now unthinkable dial-up days.

Mom had just begun a new career and was making some money of her own. Even though she's always had her only child tendencies towards selfishness, she loves surprising people with big gifts. She definitely doesn't mind spending money.

I woke up that Christmas morning to find Seymour sitting in the living room in all his brand new computer glory. At the time, he was pretty up to date with his flat, sleek screen replacing the mammoth monitors common at the time. Of course, I was totally surprised and overjoyed.

During the next six years, a lot would happen to me as I sat in front of Seymour. It was there I typed all the papers and did all the research and created all the school newspapers that came to define me in a certain way. I sent all the IMs that kept me in touch with old friends and brought me closer to new ones. I discovered new books and music, troubleshooted all of life's problems, read the news, connected to the world.

I grieved when he crashed and paid copious amounts for his repair and restoration unto me. The computer, in earning his human pronoun, became an integral part of my life. It's amazing how computers become so precious, preserving the carefully typed thoughts and work, captured memories in 'My Pictures,' painstakingly composed playlists.

Perhaps Seymour's most important role was keeper of my college and scholarship applications. On his screen, I first saw my Carolina acceptance letter, the magic words defining the rest of my life.

So I can't help but feel a little bad sitting here typing this on my sleek and shiny new university-provided laptop. Seymour's blank screen across the room looks neglected, archaic. Though he's pretty much useless now--virus ridden, memory full, impossibly slow, something about putting my fingers on his home keys feels like home.

Okay, okay. I'm being incredibly silly. I know it's just a computer, circuits and wires incapable of feeling lonely or anything else. But maybe, sometimes I will fire him up. Just to feel better.

Goodbye Seymour. I'm sure I'll grow just as attached to this computer in good time.

Lipstick Feminism

A cupcake dress can be misleading. A candy-cotton scented auditorium filled with girls wearing cherry printed short shorts, bright red lipstick, blue wigs and bare mid-drifts can give you the wrong impression. Sugary sweet pink decorations, trimmed in lollipops and gummy bears and poofy-skirted back-up dancers might make you think Katy Perry is just another air-headed poptart of a musician.

But she isn't. Underneath the Willy Wonka aesthetic and shimmery sequin wardrobe, there's a message. Katy's kinda political.

Some parents might be outraged as their children sing "Are you brave enough to let me see your peacock?/Don't be a chicken, boy, stop acting like a beeotch/I'ma peace out if you don't give me the payoff/Come on baby, let me see/what you're hiding underneath." But hundreds of male musicians produce entire albums about coaxing the clothes off "shorty" and leaving if they don't get the "pay off." Katy's one of the few women who are singing about getting guys to drop their pants instead of the other way around. Why shouldn't women be allowed to embrace sexuality like the men? While she prances around on the stage in a purple leotard and peacock feathers, Katy's not-so-subtly telling women they can play the boys' game. Maybe ten year old girls shouldn't be saying "beeotch," but they are empowered, allowed to embrace what the men have always been allowed to express.

A lot of Katy's songs have feminist undertones. "Pearl" is pretty blatant; it tells the story of a girl repressed by a commandeering man who eventually learns to break free. "Circle the Drain" tells off a deadbeat boyfriend more interested in drugs than his girlfriend.

I like Katy Perry because she can sing about being your own strong woman while wearing a shiny tight catsuit. And pull it off. You don't have to choose between being a pin-up "teenage dream" and a feminist. Katy Perry is both without even really trying.

She may have kissed a girl just cause she loves them so much.

This Is Country Music...And We Do

I'm not a redneck by any stretch of the imagination. I wouldn't be caught dead in a cowboy hat or boots. I don't drink, smoke, or drive a pick-up truck. I don't hunt or ride horses or live in a trailer park or any other stereotypical redneck thing.

Really, there's only one country thing (except maybe Cracker Barrels) I really like: country music. My ipod contains twangy country tunes with banjos and steel guitars amongst "cooler" music ranging from 80's rock, today's pop, and singer songwriters.

I never really could explain why I like musical genre that so enthusiastically sings about many things I hate like Hicktowns and illiteracy until I attended the Country Music Association's Annual Music Festival.

The fact the festival even exists is a testament to the uniqueness of the country music community. All of the artists play for free, and it's the big multi-platinum selling ones offering their services out of sheer appreciation for the fans who bought all of those millions of albums. All of the proceeds go to a charity that puts instruments and musical programs in inner city schools. Even though I'm not a huge fan, Taylor Swift summed up the cool thing about CMA Musicfest. As she closed the show on the final day, from the stage at the center of the big football stadium, she pointed at a moderately priced seat to the right of the stage: "when I was 15, I sat right there and watched this show, and now I'm up here thanks to all of you."

No other genres come together so cohesively like country music. No matter what song any of the performers sang, every single person (80,000 or so strong) knew all the words and shouted them with complete conviction. Country music fans are simply country music fans, not just following one or two artists.

But really, the greatest thing about country music is that there are real gems hidden among all the redneck anthems. If you dig past the mudflaps and boondocks and Daisy Dukes, you find songs that speak to the collective human experience. I came to that realization while James Otto talked about his writing of "In Color," a song about reflecting on life through photographs. He explained how he reflected on his grandfather's stories as he turned the creaky pages in his black and white photo album while writing the song: "A picture's worth a thousand words but you can't see what those shades of grey keep covered; you should've seen it in color."

I couldn't help but think of the photo albums we took from her house after my grandma died. They chronicled her life, in black and white. They told stories we'd never get to hear from her now and reminded us of the ones she did share with us. We truly couldn't see what was behind that grey smile as she perched on the hood of some car one summer in her youth. James Otto and Jamey Johnson captured all those feelings deep down in me that I didn't even know I had.

Isn't that what good music is supposed to do? I've never felt that way about a Lady Gaga song, no matter how much her fans think I'm silly for watching a devastatingly unattractive (seriously, look at a picture of Jamey Johnson) man pick guitar strings and sing his life story to a very drunk crowd, but I'll defend it to the day I die.

Tim McGraw sings "Some say it's too country, some say it's too rock-n-roll, but it's just good music if you can feel it in your soul." I think a good song is one that makes the listener feel something, the emotion oozing out of every syllable, every note. A song that transmits the experience of the writers and performers straight to all the open ears taking it in. I think Johnny Cash's "Sunday Morning Coming Down" is one of the greatest songs every written because it can make a person feel so utterly lonely even when surrounded by loved ones. It's just that powerful to me.

So maybe I'm not a redneck, but country music isn't just for rednecks. It's for anyone who has found peace in their childhood homes, left home or missed their adult children, or just learned from life's mistakes or simply living.

Goodbyes, Part Two

It seems like graduation should feel different, exceptional. I mostly felt normal.

It was just like everything else our school ever did. It was slightly chaotic and unorganized, but ended in something beautiful, even if it was only beautiful to us. School board officials gave slightly forced speeches, the superintendent gave a genuine one, and students demonstrated why we deserved rented ferns at our graduation. It did represent our school as best as a few short hours could.

But I felt pretty normal. I didn't feel like I was moving from a high school (and college) student to a high school (and college) graduate. I just felt like I was sitting in a gym floor wearing a silly outfit with some friends. Even walking across the stage still seemed like a rehearsal; I couldn't possibly be doing it for real. Maybe we spent too much nostalgia throughout the years to really summon up the emotion on this typically monumental day.

There were really only small, isolated moments where I felt something greater than what I feel every day.

The first came when we walked in and I first saw how many people were occupying the gym's bleachers, packed in like sardines, snapping pictures like paparazzi (fanatical, proud parents are probably the only photographers in the world scarier than paparazzi). I thought how wonderful it was to see all of the people I'd never have to explain what my school was or how I came to this place in my education to in one room. They all just understood; they knew the magnitude of our accomplishments without belabored explanation and questions. They just clapped. I felt happy, but I didn't feel graduated.

The second came while I was reading my short, inconsequential speech. Most of the time, I was just terrified. I didn't look up into the crowd because I had to read and concentrate on keeping my voice from breaking. But then I got to a feeble joke all my classmates would understand and I heard a few tiny laughs from them. Before, it felt like I was just speaking to the wall out of obligation, but then I realized people were actually listening. That sort of sums up all of my high school graduation--sometimes it didn't seem like it, but people were listening. I felt proud, but I didn't feel graduated.

Next, skip to the end of the ceremony. The principal "by the power bestowed upon her by Surry County Schools" or something like that pronounced us graduated, and we turned our tassels. Excitement bubbled up inside me, the kind of excitement that is rare and raw and can't be replicated. I looked around at the cardboard topped faces smiling in rows and knew they felt much the same.

In that one singular moment did I feel truly graduated.

I could post forever about all the little moments and exceptional people that made my school so wonderful, but it just seems unnecessary. I may be graduated, but a little part of me will always be sitting in the T-building waiting for school to start.

Goodbyes, Part 1

I was just catching up on all "The Office" episodes I've missed in the last year so, but I had to stop after the "Goodbye, Michael" episode. After seven real years and twenty television ones, Michael Scott worked his last day at Dunder Mifflen, and it was the second saddest thing I've ever seen on television (number one being the Gilmore Girls series finale, which still tears me up even though I've seen it several times). Though the show is mostly silly and the characters over the top, the goodbyes were just so heartfelt and sad.

The whole time, I kept thinking of my community college. Maybe it was because I haven't really got the closure on high school yet, but I'm pretty much done with the college. Maybe it was because the college seems a little bit like Dundler Mifflen. Maybe it's just because every goodbye is hitting harder these days.

Whatever the reason, I feel like I should pay a little tribute to good ole SCC. I spent much of my time there ragging on the place, ashamed of walking among some of the least intelligent people I've ever met. But SCC is great because I also met some of the most intelligent people I've ever met there. It's a place of extremes: really young and really old, really lazy and really ambitious, really homegrown and really exotic.

A few of the professors, one in particular, set me on course. Essentially, isn't that what community college is for? I went from studying something everybody else assumed I loved to something I know I love. The professor saw in me what I refused to admit was there; he kept me from settling. As cheesy as it sounds, he gave me the confidence I needed to pursue the path I know, however difficult, I should be going down. Though I never expected to find it on community college campus, I found challenge and direction. I wonder if he knows how much his words hit home. If I had never gone to that school, I might still be plodding down the wrong path.

I also got my first job, the best job I could ever have, at SCC. It furthered reinforced what I had just realized--I need to be a teacher. It showed me I could do it and that I would love it. It allowed me to meet people both inspirational and infuriating. It let me feel some of what it is like to part of an office a la The Office. That experience, something I could never have anywhere else, is now an essential part of me, thanks to SCC.

I'm going to miss eating artery-clogging meals in the grill with whatever random people found in there. I'm going to miss everyone freaking out when the water in the fountain outside the grill freezes over. I'm going to miss being the only person in the library looking for a book instead of watching "That 70's Show" on Youtube. I'm going to miss teachers start considering you less students and more humans, friends. I'm going to miss being in classes of all ages and all walks of life and meeting people who are getting construction degrees so they can build their own houses. I'm even going to miss the taxidermy conferences and spending forever looking for a parking space.

I'm probably still going to try to deny the community college credits on my transcript, even though I earned them while still in high school. But even though I never would've attended SCC if it weren't for my weird little high school, I wouldn't trade my time there for the world. It made me who I am, and while I might not be the ultimate version of myself, I can't image I'd be a superior me without SCC.

During their emotional goodbye, Jim tells Michael that "goodbyes are a bitch." He was definitely right. I never thought I'd say it, but I'm going to miss you, SCC.

Who Knows

The blinking cursor mocks me mercilessly as I stare at the empty page. With every digitized blink, I wonder more and more if I have the power to move it across the white expanse, send it on a harrowing journey to the bottom of the page, make it disappear on a freshly printed document.

I do the busy work, providing a false sense of accomplishment. My name, the date, the header. They don’t really matter but make my idle hands feel useful for a moment, the worry welding up within me temporarily quelled.

My mind races about everything but the topic at hand. I run my hand over the spines of the books lining the shelf behind me. Dust stirs up in plumes at my touch. All of these words. They’ve all passed through my brain, have all influenced me somehow. I envy the names printed on the dust jackets. How I long to do what they’ve accomplished: they’ve written something somebody else wanted to read. Their cursors moved, their abilities proven; they found the secret ingredient so elusive to me. I hope I could absorb their abilities by proxy, but all I manage to do is sneeze.

In the movies, characters just go on some adventure where they find the inspiration they need to write the story that’s been lying dormant inside them all along. I go outside and walk down the street, hoping something miraculous will happen.

It’s a nice day, kind of sunny with a slight breeze. Pretty non-descript. The road is same as it always is with its faded white line marking the division between coming and going, the mailboxes patiently waiting to gobble up deliveries, the trees quietly standing guard over the silent houses. The familiarity erases any chance of inspiration. A cat eyes me suspiciously where the road dead ends. As I approach his territory, he backs up but never diverts his piercing green pupils. I stop to keep him from running, and we reach an impasse.

The only sounds are the birds chirping and us breathing, sounds so familiar they hardly count as sounds at all. The cat is looking at me like I’m the most interesting and frightening thing in the world. In that moment, his whole existence hinges on whether I am friend or foe. As my feline acquaintance contemplates flight or fright, I take a few steps forward. He arches his back in retaliation. “It’s okay, kitty,” I say in the baby voice people reserve for animals and infants.

Immediately, I regret it. Who am I to assume the cat should be regarded as a child? He and I treated the encounter with strikingly similar approaches. I would be offended if he meowed at me condescendingly. “Hello cat,” I replied, in a regular tone.

The cat remained frozen at the edge of his driveway, blocked by an invisible boundary, but unarched his back. I stood in the uncomfortable silence for a few more minutes before turning around to head back towards home. When I glanced back, the cat was gone. He certainly knew to cease his opportunity for escape.

Sitting back in front of my blindingly white computer screen, I rested my hands on the keys and waited. The stubborn story rests within me, arching its back, blocked by fear and boundary lines. With every step forward, it backs up. My approach is wrong. If I turn my back, it will disappear. But I coax it and coax it, and eventually, it has to come.

Grandma Meg

When I was young, I never wanted to leave Grandma Meg’s house. In order to coax me from her side and into the car, my parents would have to appease me with a plush refrigerator magnet that happened to greatly resemble Grandma. I would clutch the magnet, christened Little Grandma Meg, so I would miss her little less on the ride home.

It’s no mystery why I would never want to leave her. Some of my best memories come from simple summer evenings at her house. One of the few times I’ve laughed until I cried was on her back porch playing Yahtzee. I accidentally picked up the dice and put them in my cup of Pepsi instead of the game’s red cup. We laughed so hard at my silly mistake. That was one of the reasons Grandma was so great: she could have fun doing the smallest, simplest things.

I loved going shopping with her. There was never a person more at home perusing the racks at a department store. She could spot a deal as soon as she walked in the door and had eye for the most perfect purchases. Soon after my family moved back closer to home after living for awhile in Texas, Grandma wanted to take me shopping for back to school clothes. I was nervous at first because the distance had made me forget the intricacies of her character. Without the buffer of my parents, I was afraid it would be awkward. That was a foolish fear.

She flitted from rack to rack, holding up a shirt or a dress against my body and seeing immediately whether it was up to par. She chose clothes I would never pick out myself, but they would always end up being my favorite outfits. Soon, my friends at school were following up any compliments on my outfit with “was that a Grandma Meg purchase?” She was the trendiest Grandma anywhere. Soon I remembered the person I was so attached to, hilarious, happy, and loving. Her love and compassion never left any room for awkwardness.

When time for my senior prom rolled around, I knew exactly who to call. We all tried to keep up with her as she searched through hundreds of dresses. Annoyed at my hesitance to try anything on, she heaped my arms with beautiful gowns. Eventually, she draped an amazing black dress over my arms at an expensive specialty store. Of course, I loved it, and so did she. But the price tag was shocking. Still, Grandma had found the dress we were meant to buy, and we were not leaving the store without it. “What about Dad?” I asked, concerned for his cardiac health. “Don’t worry about him,” she said, waving her hand dismissively, “I will take care of him.” And so I got my perfect dress, and I felt wonderful in it all night.

Grandma always knew what would make you happy, and she wouldn’t rest until she did everything she could for it to happen. Compassionate to a fault, she was always worried about everyone else’s welfare before her own. She loved giving. Many times, if we visited her just before the holidays, she wanted to give us our gifts right then. She wanted to work so hard to make us happy, but the truth is she didn’t need to. All she had to do was be there, and maybe give us one of those warm, loving Grandma Meg hugs.

She was always up for anything. How many grandmothers would plunge down a waterslide at maximum speed, her purple swim suiting earning her the nickname “Meg the Missile”? How many would take on the streets of New York City, posing in character with a Dracula double in the wax museum and showering street hustlers with money because she was just that nice? ow mHowHow She would go anywhere, do anything, and always have a good time doing it. She loving traveling and having good stories to tell and spending time with her family.

Now I need my little Grandma Meg more than ever. I don’t know whatever happened to that little magnet, but I have the equivalent with me everywhere I go. I have the memories of her love and laughter preserved forever in my mind and heart. The taste of Pepsi and Mentos, the crinkle of shopping bags, the clean flowery smell of her house, and the sound of shuffling cards about to be dealt in a round of rummy will always remind me of the many cherished memories I’ve made with her. I could fill up a hundred files writing out all the good memories she helped make and those memories will help me and all my family go on living in a world without Grandma Meg. It devastates me that she won’t be there for my high school graduation, but I know she was so proud of me, and I will think of her as I walk across the stage. She always liked to point out the characteristics in me that seemed to come from her: picky and peculiar eating habits, affinity for shiny jewelry, being tight with money. I’m glad to know that I can carry on little bit of her because I know the world was a better place for having my Grandma Meg in it.

Of Blogs and Blogging

Bloggers, on average, are irritating people. They're usually self-absorbed, thinking people care about what they ate for breakfast and saw on the drive to work. They're usually egotistical, thinking their previously under-appreciated writing talents will one day be discovered. They're usually annoying, whiny people who the internet afforded a place to whine annoyingly.

But not all of them. Some just like having an outlet to write in. If you stop writing with an audience in mind, then the writing becomes more worthy of an audience. People can tell when things are thinly veiled attempts at catering to readers who really don't exist. Some people are just passionate about a subject and need a place to pour all the creative energy their hobby or lifestyle creates into something outside of themselves. Others blog to chronicle their own lives; there's something interesting about watching yourself progress, month by month, along the sidebar of the blog.

But the former types of bloggers give bloggers everywhere a bad name. It's easy to dump on the idea, and it's easy for the concept to become another technology-created narcissistic fad. The only real way to save it from being such a thing is to use it in a more meaningful way.

Sure, I could type all these thoughts onto a word document in my computer, but I know I wouldn't write with such regularity (arguably regular, anyhow) without such a specific place to go to write. That date on the blogger dashboard shows me how long it's been since I've sat and thought about where my mind is at (which seems kind of odd... thinking about where your mind is at, but that's truly what it feels like). It's easy to get caught up in the humdrum of life and forget to think about anything at all. I don't think there's anything narcissistic about evaluating life from time to time, and I know I can't do that effectively without writing.

Writing is so, so precious, and blogs are one of the few places on the internet that really allow the good, productive sort of writing. It takes no thought to write a 140-character "witticism," but it takes thought to plan out an entire blog entry. If only people would write thoughtful blogs, and people would give thoughtful blogs a chance, they could be something meaningful. But the internet is not the place for anything meaningful much, and it's overly idealistic to think that could happen.

I follow quite a few blogs and a few them are truly good. The people writing them are the sort of people I might like to know in real life, but since I can't, I can reap the benefits of their thoughts and productivity and insight through blogger. I don't see how that can be anything but good.

When I go off to college, I will probably retire this blog. It only seems fitting to let it sit as the person writing it will invariably be different. I don't know if I will start another one. Part of me thinks I will definitely need to, more than I do now, and part of me thinks it will just seem like something time-consuming and in the way. I guess I will know when I get there. For now, I will keep writing and reading because I can't help but feel there is just something inherently important in it all.