What am I so afraid of?

Today, I stumbled upon some blogs that my friends have been writing for awhile. I never knew they wrote them. They're on this very site, too.

This made me think about how I haven't told a single person that I actually know in real life that I started this blog. It seems silly to think that I don't care if the entire Internet world that I'll never meet face to face reads this, but I'd hate for one of my classmates to read it. What difference does it truly make?

I think, in the post under this one, I talked about how I could only ever show the actual me to anyone except through written word. I'm a crappy conversationalist, and I always feel like I'm letting the other person or people down when I speak. I know I have some at least halfway worthwhile words inside me, but I can't get them just right unless I write them out and study them. I have to edit everything!

Why do I have to send an edited version of myself to everyone else? Why can't I just be open? This issue is at the heart of any other issue I've ever had. There's not a reason in the world I shouldn't be at least a fairly open person. I don't have some tragic past that's too painful to discuss, or some mental illness that keeps me from functioning normally. I haven't got an excuse in the world to keep everything I think under lock and key. Even the simplest things, I keep to myself.

I could easily put this link somewhere visible to my friends. I could let them read it. I could put myself out there. But I know I won't. Even if I do, I would instantly regret it and be ashamed of every word. I know I shouldn't be ashamed. They're my words and I mean every one of them. I doubt anyone would give any of the posts a second glance. They wouldn't remember them. What am I so afraid of? Am I afraid that when I did see them again, they'd be thinking about what I wrote and not what I'm saying? This should be a good thing- what I write is much better than what I say!

I used to tell myself that I only wrote here as a therapeutic measure for myself. It makes me feel better to write a little, and this blog somehow encourages me to write. I always feel good when I submit a new entry. Why shouldn't I want to share that? Am I afraid it'd lose the magic?

Maybe one day, I'll work up the courage to send somebody this link. Until then, I shall remain faceless...