I feel like I'm living in that Groundhog Day movie. Except not Groundhog Day. I keep living in a day that's much less exciting than Groundhog Day. At least that's a holiday.
I do the same thing over and over and over. I know it's nobody's fault but my own, but I just feel so trapped and helpless. I'm a hamster on one of those wheels, going round and round without any destination. At least it's fun for them, or they make it look like it. This isn't fun.
I don't know how to break the monotony. It's next to impossible for me to get out of the house and I think I've exhausted every opportunity these walls offer. I even cleaned the kitchen willingly! That's desperation, folks! There's not one more activity I can pursue without reaching lower than my dwindling pride will allow me. It's so ridiculous how boring everything is right now.
I think it's more frustrating because it's my own stupid fault. I'm not very high on myself lately, which probably isn't healthy. I hate myself for hating myself, even. Such a spiral of destruction.
I was trying on some swim short things for girls today while shopping, as to provide some coverage to my insecure bathing suit-clad body. I thought it would. It didn't. It seems the only thing I can do to fix myself is to reach deep inside and find that confidence that I used to summon up so easily. Where, oh, where did it go? I used to laugh to myself at the whiny, insecure girls. Now I'm one of them and I hate it so much. I keep thinking "when I finally do this or do that, it'll all get better!" but that's just procrastination and I know it. Now, now, now is the time!
It's all fine and dandy to type it. It's a nice notion to set goals and resolve to improve in text that nobody but me reads, and a totally different thing to set it into motion. I'm the world's worst for it and I don't know how to stop. How do I quit treading and start swimming?
And why do these always end up sounding so darn emo? I apologize, again. There I am being hard on myself again! AH!
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