In a Box

The older I get, the more I feel like life is most akin to one of those money machines they have on game shows--those machines where the contestant stands in a little glass elevator-shaped contraption. Money, in various denominations, flies around them in a hectic furry and the poor person tries to grab as much as they can and stuff it anywhere they can until time runs out and it all disappears.

I'm standing in the middle of my own machine, perpetually grabbing at the little slips of paper around me. Written on those papers is everything important to me. Some have short term goals, scholastic things, stuff I have to get done, finish Christmas shopping. Some have people's names, family and friends that I want around. Others have long term goals. Get into college.

I'm standing in the middle of this chaos, grabbing at all of these things. There isn't enough time and they aren't slow enough to prioritize. I just have to snatch at them as they fly around, hoping I manage to grab something worth keeping.

And even once I do get hold of something I want or need, it's even harder to hold onto it. I try to put it in my pocket, but the wind sweeps it out again. It's a constant struggle, a constant fight against elements I can't control.

That's the worst part. I can't control it.

I hate not being in control. I can't control it when the Carolina admissions people lose my transcript three days before they want to seal my fate. I can't control what people think of me, how they interpret my actions. I can't control schedules made by others or the weather or the law.

I can only control my feeble little arm, reaching out into the uncontrollable, grasping for something worth it.

Some people believe if you grab one of those things, all the rest of them won't matter. For some people, it's God. I never got the hang of that one. For others, it's love. That one's out of my reach too. Others find it in their work. Well, my transcript's lost in translation.

Is my vital piece of paper still swirling undetected over my head? Or have I missed it completely? Has the thing I need to make life worth it slipped through my fingers already?