Idiosyncrasy

I enjoy that word.
And the concept it evokes.

Before one of my professors went absolutely nuts today (including choking himself, beating his defenseless gradebook, coffee cup, textbook, and pen on the table, and having a Cajun conversation with himself), he was talking about the concept of just how freakin' weird everybody is. (Ironically...)

Anyhow, that set my mind into a fury of thought. We are all extremely weird. We all have these little quirks and things that would be totally impossible to explain to somebody else and have it make sense. Except that is what I try to do a lot on this blog. Make my idiosyncrasy make sense.

And I supposed they all do make sense, if you trace them back to whenever I started doing/having/exhibiting them. Some of them I'd never be able to trace. But since I'm the only person that's been me for 18 years, I'm the only person with the ability to fully understand myself and my own personal brand of weird.

Besides, what exactly are all these things that make up me, and the personality and traits and characteristics that have come together to create a bundle of person that is Samantha? It's different to everyone.

To the government, I'm my name, my birthday, my social security number. A string of numbers that make up me, the statistics I just bubbled on the census form--Caucasian, biological daughter, dependent.

To my family, I'm a daughter, a sister, of keeper of the cat treats. The bedroom on the right at the top of the stairs. The doer of dishes and the hater of the restaurant you love. I'm a joke whether you feel like one or not and a hug when you get home, whether you want it or not. I'm the spender of too much money and the source of debate. The occupier of the first (and best) couch cushion on tv night.

To my school, I'm rank number seven, Journalism major, newspaper person, rule obeyer, test score achiever. Secretary, keeper of the notification emails, annoyer of the general populous. I'm the same seat every other day, occupier of the couches. I'm a question about grades, an attendance screw-up, the person that knows where the Easter eggs are at any given moment.

To my friends, I'm always up until one, willing to discuss the banal and profound. To some, I'm a religious debate and debacle, to others a mere form of entertainment. Something to bounce ideas off or or somebody to tell your troubles to. I'm last night's homework assignment or a person to show a youtube clip. Words on a screen, a contact in a phone, an address on a street. Maybe I'm just a warm body so you don't feel alone.

To me, what am I? Am I simply a collection of what everyone thinks I am or do I have a personal identity all of my own, selfishly hoarded in my own brain? Am I all the thoughts I don't voice? Am I every book I've ever read, song I've listened to, movie I've seen, tv show I've watched? Am I every piece of information that's passed through my brain, every place my feet have walked?

Am I the words I choose to string together at this very moment? Am I the inexplicable things, the way my legs are shaking for no reason at this very moment? The way I sit when I type, the way I always sleep with my arms under my pillow? My messy desktop or the things pinned to my bulletin board? What I drink, what I eat, the air I breathe?

Or am I simply a page of rhetorical questions sprawled across a page?

Typing and Typing and Typing...

I don't know why I'm so obsessed with defining things nowadays, as evidenced by recent writings.

Maybe it's a need to set parameters, unchangeable constants, unshakable realities. As the world shifts around me and pushes me forward, however reluctant I may be, I can try to give everything definition. I can try to dissipate my misty uncertainty.

But it doesn't really work. I guess it's my mind trying to play a trick on itself. Some sort of natural survival mechanism.

Or maybe I just want to find my own beliefs amongst a sea of other people's that float around in my head. Or are my beliefs just a collage of everybody's I've ever heard or read? Does anyone think original thoughts anymore? Are all the thoughts in the world used up? What would it be like to live in a world where everything I think is obvious was just being discovered, brand new?

Enough with the incoherent paragraph of rhetorical questions.

This blog has no point. No cohesive meaning I'm trying to convey. No preliminary thought went into this at all, as I'm sure is glaringly obvious as I just type and type. But it matches the state of my brain lately. Incoherent, incohesive. All those words that start with "in" and usually a "c".

I find the best thing to do when I feel like that is write and write and eventually I get to the bottom of things. No thinking, just typing. And a lot of sentence fragments for emphasis.

I'm sorry about this pile of nothing, but sometimes you have to get all the nothing out before you can get to the somethings.