Doubt

"Oh, how I ricochet between certainties and doubts."

"I'm trying to be assertive; I'm making plans. Gonna rise to the occasion, yeah, meet all their demands, but all I do is just lay in bed and hide under the covers.
It's too hard to focus through all this doubt, keep making these to-do lists and nothing gets crossed out."

Oh, Sylvia and Conor always know what to say. I'm having trouble articulating my doubts to anyone; everything seems to think I'm being silly. They overestimate me. They don't try to think of my situation objectively. I can't meet all their demands. I just keep hitting snooze.

I get so frustrated when people think I'm overreacting when I doubt my future. Give it time, give it time. I don't have time! The future is now; the future is always right now. I don't want to screw myself over later by not knowing what I'm doing right now. I have to feel prepared; I have to be working towards a goal. I have to assess my own abilities honestly and truly. But I can't! There doesn't seem to be an objective enough person on earth.

The cloud of a false reputation surrounds me. I'm not as smart, responsible, capable, determined, or ambitious as anyone thinks I am. I suppose I should take it as a compliment that people perceive me as so much better than I am, but it is going to catch up with me. I'm always living in dread of those moments when the veneer cracks a little. Eventually, it's going to fall all apart and I'll be left without options. I wonder if I'm actually any of the things people attribute to me, or I've just been hearing them so long, I started to believe them myself.

As I have learned from my meager studies, a fracture between identity and essence is not good for mental health. I don't want to be Mrs. Dalloway, perched on the edge of instability all the time--inches away from being Septimus falling from the window at any given moment.

So I'm searching, searching for what I want. What I'm actually capable of. But I can't figure it out without any honest assessment. That leaves me obsessed with my falling grades, the image of the Cs tainting my papers and tests, mocking me with their averageness, their reek of failure. But they're objective and unyielding. They're the only reliable measure of my abilities. And they're telling me I'm not good enough.

I try to listen to what the grades are telling me. At a certain point, my mantra of just "work harder" fails me because I hit a stalemate of work and ability. Sometimes, my best is just not good enough. My dad always says it's okay if I'm doing my best. Is it? Their conception of my best is not what reality may be. What am I supposed to do if my best isn't really good enough?

The desire to do something, to earn a Doctorate's degree, is not enough to obtain it. Why am I the only one who thinks so? No, you cannot do anything you put your mind to. Everyone has limitations.

I just don't know where mine are, and testing them is slowly chipping away at me. Is it cowardly to back down into safety, or is it the smart thing to do?

I don't know; I don't know. I just hide under the covers. Academic advising is going to have a good time with me.

An Apple A Day

Why won't people go to the doctor?? I'm always saying how much my dad, grandmother, and I are alike, but in this respect, I defiantly break from the pack. It's the 21st century! They aren't going to bleed you with leeches, or mush around in your brains Abraham-Lincoln-post-assassination-style, so why do you still think they're incompetent and are only out for money?

Okay, maybe a lot of them are out for your money. But let's think this through. If they say, bleed you with leeches, or give you medicine that makes you worse, or are somehow counterproductive to your health, and assuming you're a logical person, you're going to switch to a hopefully more competent physician. And pay somebody else. And they are losing money. So even if, when the smiling middle schooler on career day asks why they became a doctor and they reply for the bundles of cash, you can bet they still want to help you out so you will continue to provide them with said bundles of cash. So get over that! I'm looking at you, Grandma!

And Dad. Dad who thinks he's invincible. Oh, my arm's broken in three places. It'll heal itself in a week. No, no it won't.

So that's an extreme example. But he has this weird growth on his head (yeah I know, mental images) that has been there for quite some time and he REFUSES to get it checked out. He has a family history of skin cancer and spent more of his childhood with sun poisoning than without AND has a bald spot right there allowing the sun an all-access pass to his poor little scalp.

Would it really be so terribly hard to go the doctor, get it looked at, and probably just have them lop the thing right off? If I'm being as paranoid as he says and it's not skin cancer, at least he'd be rid of a growth on his scalp, which has to be an improvement by any standards. And if it is something worse, than they can take care of it before it's really bad. I'm not seeing how any of the logic here points to the "wear hats and ignore it" philosophy.

Fine, Grandma, your generation isn't so doctor dependent. Fine, Dad, you're an impenetrable force with an immune system of steel. Fine. Don't do it for you.

Do it for me. Do it for the ulcer developing in my stomach, and for the fact that I need both of you, alive and healthy. And even if I'm not enough, do it for your husband (who ironically goes to the doctor TOO MUCH) and your three children and five other grandchildren. Do it for your wife and your other son who really needs a father figure who can admit he's not invincible and seeks help when he needs it.

An apple a day is not enough.